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Tocky Anneko Myconido (Brandon)
27 December 2015 @ 10:41 am

Its been almost a year. I'm just reminding myself this will probably be my medium for writing ideas in the future. I have so much to update about!

Tocky Anneko Myconido (Brandon)
18 February 2015 @ 02:19 pm
It's 2PM right now. A time when I usually ready for bed. Everyday. For the past few months.
I don't think it's the monotony that's getting to me. It's actually pretty varied each day, just.. then I look to the same thing by 9PM or so.

I think my health is deteriorating because of this? I can't say I'm ever sick, but I do not feel 100% well. Perhaps it's nothing physical (although eating certain items brings a small discomfort to my chest occasionally), perhaps it's mostly mental or emotional. I've gone through a pretty strange collection of emotions as of late. Seeing as how my last post was a work of epiphany fiction, I suppose I can update.

I'm home. I've been home for about 5 months? And it's grand to be back. Privacy, comfort, my bed. The whole nine. But what bothers me is my schedule, each day. And the more I work it, the more I see myself draining. I yearn for the sun, and yet our meeting is so brief.. because I need to sleep by 2 to be up by 9 to be out the door by 9:30. And this being everyday, I miss out on some of the things I didn't realize I had so often. My time with friends is often met with "no, I can't" or "sorry, I have work". MAGFest was my most recent break, and it was wonderful! Four days to finally kick back and enjoy! But it has now been over two weeks of the same. I keep claiming that I need to be "irresponsible" to get out of a funk, but it just keeps coming back to me.

I can't be irresponsible. I have to do A to get B, and I have to get B to achieve my goals. Not even my dreams, but my goals. While I teach along the way, and keep a strong face about some things, I'm unable to get my thoughts out well these days. And it bothers me that I start to fizzle by day 4 of my 5-day job. Physical labor only soothes the mind so much when you have to continually solve puzzles and read emotions at the other job for two nights.

What's worse is.. I want to make this journal a medium for writing. I want to write again. Poetry, short stories, "flash fiction" as I've heard, and so on. But my free time is essentially 3-4 hours a day before sleep.. then work. I said something recently when I filed my taxes. I had said "I need to stop looking for open doors, and start opening doors myself". It sounded so smart in my mind that I didn't stop to think how scared I was about doing it. I have been presented so many opportunities, very rarely opening my own doors as someone seems to nudge one for me. And I know getting a single job, 5 days a week, and starting my writing are the way I can get ahead in my own life. I'm not trying to impress anyone yet.. that's for another entry. Right now it's a matter of being a human being, and not a drone.

Yearning for the sun.. it sounds so weird, but it's really the most poetic way I can see it right now. I want to feel those days. Yes, the sentence ends there: I am a beacon in the night so often, that I wish to simply see the days and enjoy them. Both on my own and with others. Once I break this cycle and fall into a much more sane one.. maybe I'll stop stagnating and start actually reaching, and then growing.
Current Mood: restlessrestless
Tocky Anneko Myconido (Brandon)
11 October 2014 @ 08:58 am
He stared at the Vessel, amongst the seven others that he had, with a puzzled look. Time and time again, he looked at the trials that had laid before him. He felt the souls welled up inside him, the experiences he fought swiftly yet grudgingly through.
"Those old women could turn me into a new person," Tocky reminded himself, "and I would get through this frigid mess".
The thought jarred him out of that frozen, desolate, yet beautiful castle. He was fixated on a goal, for he had one crown to go before he received more answers. His truest belief was that his course would take a new course, and this would not have to be his life any longer.
"But this fortress.. never has my faith, my diligence been tested! I was so sure of my skill. So sure of this katana, so sure of this chime, so sure of MYSELF!" he blasted, his voice echoing through halls of undead soldiers and the retainers who were still too frigid to move. As he turned to the bonfire, he opened his hand slowly, letting his mind race with the multitude of choices before returning himself to a new state of being.

That was when he remembered. He remembered that lessons aren't learned if you become someone new. Lessons are learned if you remember what you had, and what you are. Though his faith somewhat defined him, it had shown apparent signs of waning as of late. The lightning he used to toss with reckless abandon now narrowed down to so few, and not nearly as effective. "My faith.." he muttered. The faith he had put trust in, was tested. And this test would require more than faith, more than being swift with a blade and shield; this test would require something just as strong as faith, but much more personal.

Tocky turned back to his chest of belongings within the bonfire's space, as he dug around until he felt the slight burn he had wished for. A resonant memory called out to him:

"Fear the flame.. lest it swallow you whole.."

Gently placing the Pyromancer's glove on, and recalling the arts he had learned, Tocky marched forward, meeting his first opponent he was all too familiar with. Tocky gestured his hand as he recalled, and withdrew a large flame from his hand, his eyes alight with excitement and worry simultaneously. He heaved and threw the glowing orb with all his might, and watched as his adversary, who had been quite formidable at close range, was easily mangled within moments of the fiery explosion.

With renewed confidence, and a new strategy for his siege, Tocky ventured forth. To a new crown.. and to many more unanswered questions. His lesson, this time? Sometimes your faith will not see you through.. and sometimes your intelligence is not enough alone. But putting the two together, and looking within yourself for the answers (without falling into darkness, of course) may be your strongest weapon.
Current Mood: accomplishedaccomplished
Tocky Anneko Myconido (Brandon)
04 October 2014 @ 09:10 pm
I've been at this thing for a while. I know I took a huge hiatus, but sometimes it's good to come back and remember you have a place to speak your mind, or look at your past and realized how dumb you were.

Past relationships, past connections, past everything. You look at what leads up to now and have the choice of dwelling back there and saying "Man, everything sucks", or stepping forward and changing it. Though I can't say I've made any outward progress in being the person I need to be, I've definitely made a fair amount of inward progress.

I've learned about fear, sadness, the pain of loss, being useless, hurting others, and all the negative that comes out of a life for someone who's about to hit 30. There's not a lot going for me, and at this rate not a lot to show for what I could have done and could have been.

But I'm not just a bunch of negative. And I now have an incredible task ahead. March 4th, 2015 will be the first day I fly. And I don't mean on a plane, I covered that years ago when gong to Florida.

Before that, I have to prove to myself I can take care of me. That I can, while still helping others and being a positive influence, being a decent human being capable of being clean, consistent, and effective in the world. I don't have anything solid backing me beside what's inside my mind. I don't have charisma, I barely have strength, I'm not smart by society's standards at this point since I lack any certification and hardly any life experience. But I must turn that around. Not just "get the degree". Not just "always look as good as I can". I have to take what I know I can do and what I really want to do in life and DO it. Make it a thing. Stop looking back at my past and change lives, make history, make a statement.

I have to stop being "infinite potential" and settle into something. Specialize myself and be the number one resource for it. Accept that I cannot do everything, and that the things that fascinate me may not be what I'm good at. I have to accept I will lose people in the process, and those that I have hurt may never be a presence in my life again.

Saying it and accepting it are always going to be two different things. It's time to learn how to accept and embrace this reality.
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Tocky Anneko Myconido (Brandon)
30 June 2014 @ 08:26 pm
It's been a while. Did I even mention the fire from 3 months ago?

Garage caught fire after I finished my job interview at my new job. I've been living with Chris and Sam (heaven bless them for putting up with me, I owe them big after all this). And working 7 days a week: 2 at Target, 5 at my new job. It's been an experience.

My Grandma's 80th birthday was this past Saturday. And I guess, through it all, I'm picking up some hints from people I know I would not have seen ages ago. Like how people do need me, for one reason or another. How people see me as actually being an effective individual. I'm seeing how I've weakened physically from all the physical duress on my body, but how my mentality and attitude refuse to let that be a factor.

I've come up with little mental guidelines for myself. And they're the kinds of things that will make no sense if you just blurt them out to people on at random. I'll list a few, for myself and for others to get in my head a bit.

-There is a fear of discomfort, a fear of pain, a fear of death, and fearing nothing. In that order, from extreme to extreme. Currently I'm starting to edge toward "fear of death", and out of "fear of pain".

-Financial security should not determine being comfortable in life. The reason I feel safe to this day if the security blanket of friends, family, blessings, and knowing I'm not trying to wallow in myself or use people. When you set your convictions on the material and not helping the person next to you, you'll start noticing just how unsafe each decision feels and uneasy you are around others.

-One page of my Customer Service Killer story down. I plan on writing in vignettes, so they'll make sense but not make sense unless you want me to fill in plot holes/time jumps (I doubt I will.. House On Mango Street did a good job with that format).

-I think I'm addicted to music. I cannot go a day without hearing a song, good or bad, without feeling antsy or uneasy. This coincides with my game playing habits, as music is prevalent in almost all video games.

-I have a huge opportunity, with so many different branching choices if I decide to go through with it. It involves surgery and my gums, and a lot of money. The amount of choices I have to make are astounding, let me just say. I actually kind of worried!

-I think I know, for me, what "love" is. As in.. I don't look at the concept and immediately just say "I get it" in that way where you don't, but saying it makes you feel confident. I know what it means now, to love somebody without being loved back, to love somebody because it just feels right, and to love yourself before you are ready to love others. Do I think I'll still make mistakes? Yes. Definitely. But I'd rather make mistakes by myself to do better, before making mistakes that waste someone else's time. Still, it couldn't hurt to actually, y'know, date.

I have work in about 2 hours. This busy train will keep up until I get a new job, but I feel like I'm on the right track now. I've met some amazing people, and I'm hopefully gearing up for big things in my life. Once I have the time, maybe I'll be able to share those things with someone.
Current Mood: determineddetermined
Tocky Anneko Myconido (Brandon)
28 March 2014 @ 12:56 am
I called out of Target tonight because I have big things to prepare for tomorrow. I'm on day four of this new job, and boy has it been a doozy. I'm not even out of training and I've been dumped into more situations than I could have imagined.
So, recap: Friday, the garage to my house caught fire. Needless to say, damages were sustained. My room was wrecked, and mostly water damaged by the efforts to fight the flames. No one was hurt, and we have to remain out of the house for about six months. A lot of time away. So I'm here, in Elkridge, with Chris and Sam. All three of us have a rather busy schedule, so we don't get to see each other often yet. But it's only been about a week, so I can't complain. They've been so helpful.. heck, EVERYONE'S been so helpful. I actually had a moment to cry this week because it just blew me away how much support and concern I saw from everyone I knew. I didn't want to trouble them.. but Chris took me in, no questions asked. And we're sorting out the details as we go, but I plan to be extra helpful when I can! I'm even cooking on Saturday if I can help it (Jamabalaya. Nothing too special)! My work schedule just.. hasn't allowed me a moment to actually relax. Once I get a full day to get myself together, I won't feel so overburdened. This is the third time straight I've had to call out from work and I feel pretty bad... I'm not trying to lose my first job here, but this new one seems much more healthy. I'm not killing myself physically, and the commute is manageable.

Gaming has been kinda blah. I only have my 3DS to rely on, so it's been tons of Bravely Default. But soon I should get word of my PS3 and TV being in good condition, and I'll be set to hop back on my core games again. But that's once I can, y'know.. relax? Either way, I'm expecting good thing.

As more goes on, I'll try to update. I just feel a tad whelmed these days. 2014 is looking to be one heck of a year.. let's make the most of it.
Tocky Anneko Myconido (Brandon)
(For those unaware, I'm attempting to chronicle my journey through Dark Souls 2 in semi-episodic format. Rather than state it in a dry review format, I would like to delve deeper by adding the input of my character and emotions behind the scenario. With maybe only a little flourish, I plan to cite almost EXACTLY the key points of my travels and hopefully, by doing so, improve my ability to write narrative. Wish me luck! Feedback is appreciated).

I had lost it all. Or so they told me, in which case I had to believe when my hazy memory refused to allow me the details of why I had happened upon this old woman. Her ghostly, vacant eyes recanting the legends of a land that would help me recover what I had once lost. There was much more to her description, but her pupil-less gaze bore a hole into me that I cannot begin to express in written word. The more I begin to touch upon that memory, the less I can recall about my trek to that gate before what I recall to be a swirling abyss, swallowing every manner of light and life around me. What I do recall is knowing, as I tossed myself into that cavernous whirlpool, my last remaining thought before entering this wretched yet beautiful place:

"I have nothing left. May my wings carry me long enough before they are set alight."

I awakened to a large, underground area. My only source of light lie straight ahead, in the form of a tremendous rift that I knew was my salvation. "Knew" is probably too strong of a word, but later events led me to realize the air of truth I had come to. I gained my bearings, worked out the tremors from my fall (I may not remember it, but my body reminded me it was a long way down), and traversed toward my beacon. Unarmed, unaware, and ever cautious I strode through tall fields until what appeared to be large, furred creatures stopped gnawing the bones they had found had brought their attention to me. Some even skittered away from their prize, concerned with my next move. I took quickly to my destination at the sight of them, not wanting to find out what they had in store for me if I lingered, until a smaller yet warm light began to come into view. After traversing a rickety bridge, I entered a torch-lit home to find four women who seemed to know plenty about myself, much more than I knew. The three elderly looking women brought me to my senses with ridicule and condescending banter, whilst the youngest of the four was silent, serving drink to her elder counterparts. They coaxed the memories of my desire to protect, and my hands being very capable with a blade. They, in truth, reminded me that I was human. And to that realization, I felt whole again and pressed onward.

A quick excursion between and betwixt towering woods and caverns taught me ample maneuvers and swordplay in a hurry. Human assailants with blade and bow alike came upon me, but not a one could match my speed. I was actually bested by my own folly, as my timing and loose footing brought about my first demise to the rushing waters below. The funny thing about a curse as such, the only "blessing" it seems to hold is that simple yet lethal mistakes revert back to mere simple mistakes; more of a lesson rather than a tragedy. Finally, after many a gate of thick fog, I approached what was to be my new home: Majula. I could tell, at one time, this peaceful town was the quaint countryside that housed upwards of a dozen families. Now all that lay before me is abandonment and ruin, yet somehow I felt welcomed here. After finding a bonfire to rest at, I encountered a stern woman with a striking green mantle. After being granted direction and description of Drangliec (or as much as she would allow.. she had very few kind words for me) I proceeded down a dark corridor to what I now call my first sense of false salvation: my "trusty" shield. Memories began to come trickling back about my fighting style, and how my shield was my best friend. This poor substitute, however, spared me no pain when confronted with men literally twice my size. Blocking with my sword, or maybe just my gauntlet clad arm alone may have been preferable! Alas, my footwork and clever positioning won me victory over the several encounters I had with the behemoths, tallying only one more death to my roster.

Several attempts and sieges to the area finally led me to my first stalwart opponent: Dragonrider. To say the least, he was no simple adversary. His halberd technique was incredibly swift, and his towering shield a constant reminder to carefully judge my swings. The battle proceeded for several minutes, near misses and crushed lifegems pushing the favor in my direction a little while longer. I was left with no curatives nearing the end of the battle, and with swift dodges and unprecedented dexterity, felled my first major foe within a hair's breadth of my life. As I proceeded further on, I encountered two more seemingly friendly individuals. One was a cleric of sorts, who which I paid a vast amount of souls towards what I knew was my other calling: the study and use of miracles. The other was a woman with a rather odd mask and a flamboyant hat. Needless to say, my trek was a perilous one within and throughout this tower. At times I began to wonder "perhaps I should stay in Majula a bit, or see what else there is to explore". But as I delve deeper past the bonfire last visited, I realize that idea is pointless. I must continue to fly further...

Before this wings of mine are nothing but ash.
Current Mood: nerdynerdy
Tocky Anneko Myconido (Brandon)
08 March 2014 @ 02:41 am
I had a good birthday. Can safely say "good mood" is where I'm sitting right now. But there's this dull ache, and its been bothering me for a while. The good news is, it's not going to be one of those need it, fruitless endeavors that I used to latch onto the moment I see a chance. The bad news is, being "picky" means it won't happen anytime soon.

I kinda want to be in love again. ._. Like, not just fall for someone. But be -in- love.
Current Mood: complacentcomplacent
Tocky Anneko Myconido (Brandon)
18 February 2014 @ 07:57 am
I make it a point of pride that I go to lengths to know what and who I am. Unfortunately, sometimes its hard to swallow some discoveries about myself. And I believe that, to some degree, everyone goes through this. It may be cyclical, it may be a bit more sporadic, but I have found out I have small bouts of actual depression. I was burning through these past couple weeks in a rather good mood. I almost had to ask "is this what manic depression is?" until I remember that "manic" phases are far more severe. Like "I'm superman and I can stop that moving car" severe. But I think what irks me is that my downtime started around Saturday. And its seeped into now. I wanted to enjoy my time at Katsucon more, and I wanted to dig into what was around. I admit I made some poor choices on how to spend my time, but I always overwhelm myself so I considered it "natural" for me to miss one or two things. At most, I got to see Yaya Han in person and played some games against people in the gameroom. I happened by about 4 or 5 people I knew, and got plenty of cosplay visuals that I hadn't in a long time. I appreciated my company, whether they know it or not. I was just... distant. I couldn't bring myself close to anyone, and it's not like I wanted to get away.. I just wanted to look for a little serenity at all the wrong times. I also kind of ended my weekend on a sour note, and have work a little earlier than normal today. I guess, without too many more tangents, what I wanted to point out is my dislike for the inability to control myself.

I want a better grasp of my mental state. Know how to express and derail habits of mine a little quicker. And stop holding myself back at the wrong times. It's bad enough I find it hard to be affectionate sometimes, for reasons I'd rather not get into. But now I feel it's worse than usual, like I can barely connect with people unless perfect settings are in place.

I do know one thing: I have to stop looking for distractions. I'm trying to put all of my issues under the rug instead of deal with them most days, and that's not helping me. That rug can only hold so much, I have to eliminate the problems sooner or later. Of course, leaving myself in this funk (which I'm finding to be a bit more than just straight emotions, sometimes you can "feel" when a chemical element is involved) doesn't really get me anywhere. But once I find my way out of this quicksand, this sensation of always struggling to keep it all together, I'll make some headway.

I really should start writing more regularly. Not so much in this journal, but the poetry and short stories I had in mind. It's something I feel might be fun, even if I don't have a knack for it yet.
Current Mood: confusedconfused
Tocky Anneko Myconido (Brandon)
20 December 2013 @ 09:58 am
So sometimes when I listen to music or just get into a haze, I start thinking of random vignettes my original character (Tocky Myconido, for those who don't know) would witness. All four sides of him. And I realize that a quote I once heard, which went along the lines of "the imagination is simply a reconstruction of the real world" means a lot more when you realize how much your subconscious dives into your thoughts. So I'm going to take a fragment of what Tocky is, and try to semi-vignette it. As in, explain what I've been noticing trend-wise and apply it to myself.
So Tocky uses a bo staff. Very much against the concept of killing, but will bludgeon something into submission and stylishly at that. I've loved swords all my life and thought about why I hadn't stuck with the idea (it got awarded to Angel Tocky, though that sword's kinda special and non-lethal as well). Then it hit me, with the backstory I had given, to give him a sword he knows not how to use. It all made sense, since my favorite sword-fighting style is Iai-jutsu, a sword drawing technique that emphasizes using the blade only as the killing blow.
This is where we come back to Brandon. I have plenty of actual swords, and I'm not very agile with them. But what metaphor struck me most was my words. I have such SCATHING things to say to certain people sometimes, and the chance will never come up. I have the capacity to be intimidating, but I never hold fast to it. It's as though I walk with a sheathed sword at my side, and everyone initially is put off by it. I come seeming to look for a challenge, or even as a looming threat. When someone approaches me, I never brandish the weapon. I flash a smile and greet them warmly. They see I have a means of protecting myself, and potentially others. But the sword never leaves the sheathe.
Then comes the time when I need to defend myself. The person has drawn their weapon, and approached me in a fashion that sparks a fight-or-flight response. Twice, EVER, in my life have I drawn the sword and frightened a situation into submission. One of those instances shook the room, and was later described as "kinda sexy". But every other time, I look like a fool. I can't maintain any posture, I falter on my words and motions, lose track of where I'm going, and am immediately put down. The duel is over before I can even put my heart into it. I have even tried leaving the sword sheathed. I did not come in with taunts, but the sign that I was not to be trifled was there. Since my opponent was drunk(literally drunk), he kept at me. Metaphorically speaking he egged me on to kill him. Literally speaking, he kept saying "get out of my face unless you want to start something". For the record, I was not in his face, but I found out that day I have no sway against a drunk man too absorbed in his pride.
I want to draw this sword. I want to put in this fight I know I have in me, and hone this skill I only find out later I have. Maybe I need a teacher? Maybe I need another moment of clarity? Right now I just feel like I'm floundering in every conversation I have that requires me to put my foot down or stand up to the situation at hand.
The worst of it is, I know I'm powerful enough. Physically and mentally, I have a rather formidable stature. But my kindness and my reservation always get the better of me. I try not to step on toes, and I do not like shaming people. Had I a means to combat this weakness, I'd probably have an answer to this problem.
But until then, Tocky just has a beautiful gold-etched scabbard with a blade inside ready to go. He just has no means of drawing it.
Current Mood: listlesslistless