So I had a moment of slight defeat today. Working this new job is demanding, and I feel like at every corner I'm falling short. But my mind went so many ways today, I feel the need to put the ideas down somewhere.

I'm slow now. And weak now. I'm trying to get stronger and do better, but I don't have any reputation and notable skills to help me in this jobplace. To say the least, I'm pretty bottom tier. And when the supervisor for day shift belts out "who worked their fastest today?!" and you speak up, usually it's a good feeling. But today, take this into account: I was huffing and struggling to keep pace with the people around me (I highly doubt I'm outdoing them), and they WEREN'T WORKING THEIR FASTEST. Let that sink in for a bit, and realize why I'm kinda pessimistic right now.

I also realized that people didn't give me a clear answer for a reason. A long time back, I asked the question "is it possible to love two people at once"? Without slowing my work pace down, I came to a realization: everyone was being too nice to me. They were trying to tell me to find out the answer myself as politely as possible, and I have a final verdict. It is possible to love two people, but it's not right to love two people. No matter what happens from it, there's going to be some pain or concern from some side. You can try to squash it, you can try to contain it, but in the end it never really does any good. But what I've confirmed is that I can put aside how I felt before. I can rest a bit mentally in knowing where my thoughts and feeling should lie, and what I should do.

I remember saying I had to make a big choice this year. Well.. I feel as though I've made a couple, and it's not even halfway through the year yet. Maybe it'll all mean something very soon.

"People act like I'm crazy!"
"Don't you believe me?!"
"No one understands!"
"Why can't you believe me the first time?"

Yes, I want everyone to see this. Yes, I want people to know that when I hear this questions, not only do I feel as though I've murdered 100 people, but that I was smiling while I did it. There's no way for me to fix this error, apparently.

I don't have the ability to fix this. And I can't ask for help. Because it's my fault.

..It's. MY. FAULT. MINE, and NO ONE ELSE'S. DON'T BLAME ANYONE ELSE, DON'T LAY THE FAULT ON OTHERS. THIS IS MY FAULT.
MY
FAULT.

MY FAULT. AND LEAVE IT AT THAT. DON'T PIN IT ON ANYONE, OR ANYTHING. THE BLAME IS SOLELY ON ME, AND THE ISSUE IS SIMPLY GENERATED FROM MY DECISIONS. No manipulations, no string pulling, no nothing. THIS IS MY MIND, AND MY FAULT.

Time is moving far faster than I thought. And I'm beginning to wonder if I should stay where I am.

How can someone who always makes you feel so warm, secure, and happy not be the answer? I keep asking that. I ask it more now because.. well, because of how I feel about the current situation. But am I really unhappy? Or do I just feel things are becoming even more unfair then before? I have to make a choice. A wrenching choice. I'm not going to drag anyone on or lead people down a path of broken promises..

Not again.. am I really going to be a jerk..?

"You can't prepare for being blindsided".
I don't know what else to feel but angry now. I've felt powerless like this before, but.. it gets to the point where you can do nothing but be frustrated with yourself and how everything's gone. To go from such a high to such a low so suddenly.. sense it coming, and know that the remainder of time available will not be a happy turn of events..
It's angering because I'm no knight. I'm not going to be that miracle. I want to bring about the happiness, and sway the crowd to help make this one family's life better. And yet I know the ability to do this is stunted by my own accord. You can't push help on people who are reeling; it gets lost in it all. They aren't ungrateful, but they are proud. A strong group of people should not be tended to in their own home until things settle and they can get themselves together.
The only good graces come from the end of one's suffering. I can grant nothing more than my hopes and blessings for this family. I can do nothing more than.. try to help everyone else realize we have to be their support, and not their entire world.

We have to remind them to be strong. Because if we can't remind them, we can't remind ourselves. And the only reassurance they have is our strength. Pray for them, all of them. This is where hardship comes to a head, and I KNOW He is watching, He is going to help see them through. People so devout, honest, and kind should never suffer so greatly for so long, and I can hope for nothing more than to be an agent in their progression upward and forward.

Confidence is both a strength and a beauty all its own. I'd best remember that when sorting out my own issues, and understanding the way I feel about others. Maybe it would explain this warm/cold situation I've been having.

References for my theme weeks. No particular order.

1. No More Kings Week
2. 8 bit week
3. Composer Dedication: Kow Otani
4. How much a difference "Arranged" can make
5. What Rhythm Games Have Shown Me
6. No English, No Repeated Languages
7. Wrenching Emotion
8. One Hit Quits
9. Composer Dedication: Shoji Meguro

1) Obey the Groove, Old Man Walkin, Umbrella, Leavin Lilliput, Critcal Hit, Michael Jump In, Robots Don't Cry, The Grand Experiment
2) Reading Rainbow, Anamanaguchi, Cheap Dinosaurs
3) Revived Power, -SPECIAL PROJECT-, Gundam Wing OST, search out more OSTs
4) S.S.H., Tales of, Melty Blood
5) Hoobastank, At the Drive-In, Cliffs of Dover, Dream Theatre, Queen, Journey, Foo Fighters, Canned Heat, OUENDAN
6) Russian, Italian, Spanish, Portuguese, Korean
7) ?
8) In progress
9) In progress

So I've come to the realization I kinda want to do a pilgrimage. I've had the urge to travel since I was young, I've always wanted to inspire the world, and I've always had the urge to travel on foot if I start. I highly doubt this idea or dream would come true.. but the fact I have a dream of spiritual exploration through at least this continent surprises and enlightens me.

Oh, if only I could muster the will and resources to do it.

I'm gonna just kinda ramble here, because I've had ideas I'd like to look back on and be like "that was silly".

-If Japan can use historic figures and make over-the-top beat'em-ups, why can't America use historical figures and make over-the-top shooters a la Gears of War?

-I can't keep this 4AM job going long and I know it.

-I miss the times where I was not only financially secure, but on the up and up.

-Living with Leslie has been quite the learning experience.

-Why DON'T people just leave messages on my phone? I tell people everytime.

-I want the DeShoe. It actually looks pretty nice.

-I've made a schlew of new friends and slowly watched some old ones come back into my life. I think part of me wants to hold onto whatever I can because I've slowly come to realize it is my friends that make me who I am. And I'm still stuck on the idea I have to be a better person to live up to the expectations my friends lay out.

-I know I'm stronger and better than what I am. I'm also slowly losing the edge I had on my biorhythm.

-I'm teaching myself to sing. Apparently, it's slightly dramatic and bass-ier than my current voice. For certain songs this is perfect, for others.... not as much, but still sounds better than my nasally nerdy attempts prior.

-I hit piano again and I think I can do better. Just not necessarily faster. Accomodate accordingly.

-I've given up on the Monster Hunter's handbook for now. But the rules remain forever in my life. My children will know. And no, I'm not having kids anytime soon.

-I want Liam O'Brien's voice, no lie. But what I truly want is a disposition that doesn't intimidate, but simply invites the presence of everyone. His voice does that (I can attest via his voicework as Ieyasu Tokugawa), but I think I've discovered something better about myself. I lack the ability to intimidate, so instead I rely on the power to relax and vulnerize. If that's not a word, hear this out. Everyone usually figures out a way to speak to people and get their way. Some manipulate by puffing up. Others let down their guard, lead the opponent in, and strike while their defenses are lightened. But what if... there's no need for attack? What if you simply let your guard down, open your arms, and let the person in? If you're my friend, we don't have to attack. We just have to discuss and settle. Plain and simple.

-I'm slowly leaving the darker side of my lifestyle and only becoming assertive when inaction takes over. Because of this, I've accepted what I was (weird, creepy, socially awkward, indecisive) and feel that what I've become is a better path.

And I think my mental dump is over.

I heard my journal was bein threatened!
Well, they didn't tell me directly but I guess a quick update would be nice. Life has not changed much at all, but these upcoming weeks are gonna be FUN. :D Anita comin back for a bit, Otakon, and a buncha other stuff along the way. Here's hopin for the best.

Hypnoc proved only tough to the uninitiated. We handled the bird wyvern with ease.
Nargacuga was no slouch, but cunning and dedication (and fascination on Baihu and Seto's end) led to its demise.
Volganos was a tough customer until I became proficient with a lance.
Ukanlos is, to this day, a worth advesary that I dare not trifle with.
All the monsters we knew before had gotten smarter, hit harder, and came in marathon sessions sometimes!
But through it all, we achieved the grand honor of Rank 9 Hunters. This story, however, isn't over.

Seto continued his dirty style of hunting and often went solo, trouncing even the mightiest of foes whilst visiting the Yian Garuga nest to tend and care for hatchlings. He was never defeated, but gained respect in his own right.

Baihu continued training and taking requests whenever available, honing his gunlance and "superior defense" skills.

Aldoren retired from his hunting days. After many deliberations, a new family to take care of, and a love he wasn't soon to cast off, he put in his resignation. Rumor has it he may be back on the job soon, as an Island by the name of Riche Coste has appearance of some of our old friends.. namely, Rathalos and Tigrex.

I, Tocky, have forged many a bond and companionship with hunters far and wide. But today I recieved a letter. Sealed and signed, it granted me opportunity on a boat ride to a new shoreline known as Moga Island. The price? Free, due to recognition. The only stipulation: I take with me nothing but myself and my clothes. Not ARMOR, not WEAPONRY, just clothes.

So I writed and seal this journal with intent and destination toward Moga. And from the stories I've heard, this place will prove just a hefty a challenge. I also heard, ironically, that no Plesioth roam the waters though this is a very coastal, sea-faring community. I was also made aware that I may see some "friends" of mine from days of old. Much akin to people, I'm sure their survival tactics will be far different than I remember. I look forward to the day we dock, and even more content on the fact I may actually see fellow hunters I had only DREAMED of hunting with.

To all aspiring, keep the hunt alive. And never forget the sharpest weapon on this trip stayed with me: knowledge and perserverance.