I have established that there are levels within society and levels within one's circles. Levels of people, of understanding, rank, the like. But I have realized to summarize certain impacts in my life, I have begun using relationships of royalty. I even use these titles in conversation. I have an Empress (Anita), I have Emperors about me (Baihu and Johnny come to mind, Baihu for the arcana I've related him to, Johnny for the attitude). I have kings and queens (Dior and Leia, for example), even princes (Renaldo, I'm lookin at you). I have title-less royalty (Jessica, I don't know what to label you as. ^_^;;). But I look at all this and the princesses (my Guamanian Princess Jasmin, my Latina Princess PheiPhei) and realize that my title is.. not so royal. Rather, I'm amongst a league above to have-nots but below the haves. I'm in that ranking that allows me to stand beside, yet not affiliate myself with those upon that throne, overlooking the strengths about them. I am speaking, of course, of Knights. Very few are amongst this rank, I think, because the labor demands they serve and only serve. The length required to be a Knight can range from straining to leisurely. To protect those of royalty and those of the people, and dedicate himself or herself to nothing but. I asked this title of myself when I realized that I could not hold royalty with a straight face, but strived to be more than just a common individual. I plan not to be a number, but something bigger and stronger than your standard person.

Yet, with this title answers a good number of questions. It answers why I was always able to flow from one crowd to another, why I blindly place faith in those I deem my friends, why I feel the need to protect yet have no one to protect. I have claimed infallible loyalty to EVERYONE, and as such have no one to claim my direct superior. I also find this the answer to why previous attraction meant nothing: any girl I was previously infatuated with was of this royal caliber. Perhaps this is me looking for an answer, but this seems to hold plenty of ground. Royalty wouldn't approach or hold a expressed relationship with one not of the royal court. Yet, the comfort in knowing that knight is there is enough to keep them close. Sometimes closer than just "at thy service". And now, having a girlfriend, I see my loyalty to her is not that of royalty, but dedication as a person. I can't say I see her as royal-court materials in terms of princess, queen, etc. But I do see her as someone special, to me. Not of the common people, but not trying to run a nation.

This idea crept into my brain and.. I wanted to dismiss it, but I have these little chaos theories (I think that's what I can relate this to.. maybe butterfly effects? I dunno) all the time and this one struck me as interesting. Input appreciated but not mandatory, I just wanted to spout philosophy and absorb ideas.

In a state of severe irritation, I've epiphanized several things right now. I suppose I should start with what's upsetting me, as minor as it may seem.
First off, my smoke alarms went off in my house. If these couldn't wake the dead, I don't know what else would. We couldn't escape the noise on any level, which would be a good thing.. if there was smoke to worry about. There was NO reason for them to go off, so my mom goes to turn the power to them directly off. In a fit of unsettled mess I found myself trying to go about manually shutting off the basement alarm, which brought me to my first epiphany:

I dislike being told how I should be acting.

This seems minor, but it makes me realize that I've not only done it before, but it could ruin a whole day done in/correctly. If you wrench my emotions admist either my focusing on a task or when I'm trying to relax, you'll get the worst out of me. ESPCIALLY if I get a little upset and you tell me "there's no reason to be upset" and/or "stop that". Somehow, this terribly disturbs my mindset. Doubly so if you're related to me.
I told myself to go out and buy food if nothing was here to eat, but I made do with what was here and again, in doing so, have arrived at second epiphany:

I'm a carnivore, and apparently eat plenty more than I realized for my size.

I told myself I could tone down hunger, but it's become harder these days with a lack of balance in foods I can and cannot eat. By cannot eat I mean cannot afford, since money has been tight and meat of any kind seems to be expensive nowadays. I'm noticing how these factors circle around to my irritation, but in doing so I realize that I have work in the morning and can't let it bother me for too long. But this, my friends and readers, brings me to my third and final epiphany for the night:

Some unknown force is keeping me awake at night. And I've narrowed it down to three suspects.

I've concluded that it may be a combination or each elements, but these seem to be the culprits:
1)Money troubles subconciously affect me and cause me to overthink and wish I could do more
2)Lack of a stable diet or bedtime had made sleep "frivilous" in my time of the day, so I find no need to sleep if I've gathered more than 5 hours.
3)Due to a lack of constant contact with a prominent female in my life, I'm searching for something that, quite simply, is not there and will not just appear. Let me elaborate on this: I've already let the idea escape from my mind that no people fall from the sky. There will be no C.C.'s, no Ryoko's, no random individual of unknown, unearthly origin to come and befriend me. But at the same time, part of me wants to reach out to some of the ladies I've been unable to talk to. This is nothing against the male friends in my life: the times I've had with them are thoroughly enjoyable and I appreciate the kindness given. And the only reason I don't pin this emotion to one person(namely, Anita), is because it feels greater than just one presence, but a spectrum of people. I saw Jasmin some days ago and felt thrilled since seeing her is far and few between. If I see anyone tomorrow, I'll be content as well. Leslie's been gone for a few weeks now, but boy would I love to see her again. And Anita's been in Japan almost 2 months now and I'd do anything to see her, in person, whether it be here or there.

My life is picking me apart, and I almost feel like I'm fighting quicksand to try and make everything work out. I may not be neck-deep, but the struggle in me is starting to give, and I'm not finding any answers. I have to do something before I'm consumed by this..this concept bigger than darkness, than anger, bigger than the sides of myself I dare not let out unless absolutely necessary..

I want to escape emptiness as a whole, before it drains me of any enjoyment life has to offer.

First day of classes.. and I got work in about half an hour.

And I'm sick. >.>; Let's just say I'm cautious about today. But I WILL make it go well. Even if I only have 17 dollars to my name.

Time to get in gear now! Haven't posted in forever, but I gotta keep my eyes forward. Just been out and about too much..

I think I need a break.. ¬.¬ I'm.. out TOO much nowadays.

I got a message on my phone..it came around 9:30. It was a farewell. A farewell I wish I hadn't been so sleepy for. But luck doesn't start until I officially wake up.

So she's gone for at least a year now. And I wish her the best of luck, no matter what she does. But.. I suppose today isn't full of any kind of luck right now.

I'm looking at a triangle of issues all over the place. And a lot of things I need to establish and grow upon. It's time to move forward and move upward. and yet, the moment I open my music up and simply hit play.. THIS plays.

Damn this song. Damn everything that's going to start happening now. If it weren't for a lot, I'd just get up and leave now. Leave out the house like I have work now and sort myself out.

..Damn this song.

I've noticed I always seem to leave something behind at Otakon. And this year, I regrettably was unable to establish a solid hunter's corner for MHFU.

But it DOESN'T MATTER. I had a great deal of fun, even if it was cut short. Now I guess I need to start saving so I can do it all again next year... we'll see what happens.
Still. Something feels unfinished...

OH MY GOSH I AM BACK

So good to have a computer. Will update with due time. As my clock strikes nearly 4, I must say... I have spent more money than I expected, but it may be worth it.

Yesterday was a fun day, though some parts kinda tapped some nerves. It was great bein able to hang out with everybody, and the usual rundown of the good and some bad:

-Star Trek was actually quite good. I thoroughly enjoyed it even though I wasn't so big a Star Trek fan to begin with. But I'd highly suggest it, they pulled it off pretty well.

-Party was fun. Still noting the people who are hilarious drunk, and some that are just cool to hang around regardless.

-I got in at SIX IN THE MORNING. x_X I hate doin that when I know I got work the next day, and my sinuses are lettin me know not to do that (or lay on Winston's floor at ANYTIME) again.

-These light-headed moments are starting to irk me. It started a ways back when I was leaned over something and a sudden rush of what just felt like air filled my head and I actually got dizzy. I was running some pizza to Anita, and in a hurry to help finish up a MH quest with Jeff and Steve. Upon my run back, I was standing upright and running like I had a bit of infinite energy in me, and sudden that rush came back and I had to cock my head back to keep conscious. Kinda scary, to say the least. I also notice that when I'm sleepy, my eyes quake left to right very quickly as though I'm overfocused.

-I came back in to see my CD had arrived. And I somehow, accidentally, got somebody else's. My only thought is "Should I save this and give this to Leslie, or should I use the address that was pinned with it to send it to the rightful owner?". I'm kinda on the fence, as dishonest as that first option is. >.<

-Anita's gift also came in the mail.. I hope she likes it..

http://www.myspace.com/nomorekings

New CD comin soon. XD Check out "Critical Hit".

And here is my force-of-habit post after beating a game. It took me a good, long while, but FFVII: Crisis Core has officially been beaten by me. I did not cry...I was close, but I did not cry. I still say, of any Final Fantasy character out there, I feel Zack is the closest I can relate to (no one else rilly comes close.. and this is across 12+ games, mind you). I got game over a grand total of once my entire playthrough, and I can safely say the challenge was there, but for sake of storyline I didn't push my luck on the side missions. I definitely can give the game a good rating (though I'm a bit behind in saying so), and I guess my next big project is Persona 4.

In other news, I look like a superhero in MHF2. :D Yay, White Fatalis Armor.